Keeping the faith

When you are too tired to go on, but you just can’t stand to give up, there is that nagging little notion that if you just keep doing something it will matter somehow.

That is how I feel about parenting today.  With one child nearing college and another on the cusp of high school I just don’t have all the answers anymore.  What in the world do I have to offer them now that they don’t need the crumbs wiped off their face and they already know how to read?  When my oldest tells me he would rather go to community college and stay close to home than take a chance on his biggest dream all I could do was yell “NO” and sulk.  I am the product of not following any tangible dream I ever had as a kid.  So I get to steer him through my minefield of regret and lost opportunity, right?  Last night, I just shut him down after twenty minutes of circular arguments and arguing.  See, he is this shining light of possibility, with all this talent and ability and desire and drive wrapped up in a block stamp of his father.  So that’s the problem.  He looks, acts, thinks, and reacts like his dad but he dreams like his mom.  Shit, I am worse off than I thought.

It’s a brave new world after all.

I think last night might have been the turning point.  I tossed and turned but I fell asleep and stayed asleep til the alarm woke me.  Letting go of the fear has been the hardest thing.  For me it started three years ago, this roller coaster ride of addiction and separation from the people who loved me.  It started with the same ramp up…the tracks clickety clacking as you mount the summit…then the dizzying drops and hairpin turns.  I talk about it in analogy because the real words stick in my throat.  The ride’s over, not with the exhilarating relief of pulling into the station arms held high.  More like waking up after the longest sleep (no pun intended) with your hair all squirrelly and a pillow mash on your face.  And drool.  Don’t forget the drool.

But at least I never have to endure the haughty condescending  bitch  pharmacist again.  Dignity returned?  CHECK.

When I went to the web (haven’t we all ended up there looking for validation, for information, (for redemption) at least once on the ride?  And it was…unsatisfying.  So in a fit of I don’t know what, sleep deprived bravado, I decided to start this blog and talk about it til the cows come home.  Welcome.

Hello?

First post jitters and the diet Snapple peach green tea is making me swimmy.  Let’s get started!